i'm screwed up! i have things to do and courses to study yet i'm not going about doing them. it's always so much easier pretending that they dont exist and leaving them aside than actually sitting down doing them. i'm losing the sense of satisfaction i usually get when i complete my work. and it's this sense of satisfaction that pushes me ahead to do whatever crappy work i have to but hate to.
at certain point of time, i'm starting to wonder if this is the kinda life i want to lead for the next 4 years. i see the value in sch and i've come too far to move backwards. but after that, what? it seems so purposeless to go to sch at times. sure, you make friends, do activities and eventually (i hope to) graduate. then what? get some 9-to-5 job and slog my way through for the next 40 years? and the point of it being?
alternatively. i can think abt doing the things i love. but now i'm starting to question myself what exactly do i love doing. unfortunately, mind is blank at this point of time. why must there be a purpoes in life? why cant we all be lauded for doing nothing? at times, i feel so ordinary that i freaking hate it. i'm doing what everyone expects me to do and since i've been doing this for ages, i cant shut out the voices in my head telling me what to do. instead of doing what i want, whatever i do is what they want me to do. and what i think i want to do is actaully influenced by what i'm expected to do.
this feels like running in a circle. going round and round. becoming more confused as the seconds tick by but never getting out of it.