que sara sara

i had an incredible time this weekend running away from the big RESPONSIBILITES word. which basically involve myself having fun and pretending that whatever linking to the R-word dont exist. unfortunately, at this very point of time, i'm still pathetically wishing that time will freeze forever and i get to escape. sadly, i've learnt long ago that miracles are far and few.

well, i can continue whining abt having a lot to do or start doing them even if i dont want to. somehow, the people around me are likely to prefer the latter much more. i will do just that. and if i cant, i will just have to keep my mouth shut most of the time so as not to irritate the hell out of others. wish me luck.

in my world, there's no such thing as raining or pouring. just crazy 'little' thunderstorms.

what's the point of having public holidays when i have to reschedule partically ALL my seminars? and do projects on the rest of the days?

1 week till all my presentations come crashing down on me
5 weeks to exams
9 weeks passed without me knowing what i've learnt

maybe it's the fact that the final exam papers constitute only a max of 40% of each of my course assessment. but the stress has yet to sunk in. and i'm freaking out cos of that.

i find it therapeutic to write. no one needs to understand it excpet me. the way trains of thoughts are translated into words. the wonder of rediscovering a beautiful quote or a forgotten phrase. even running my hand across the pages and feeling the indentations made by the pen. i'm not much of a writer but i still like writing about the small little things that touched me, upset me, amazed me, angered me and made me.

i sat in a room for 7hours in an attempt to complete a proj presentation. except for toilet breaks (which i didnt take that many) and lunch break (which is not considered a break cos we bought food back and ate while we continued doing). odac's sit-in-a-room-and-continue-discussing-for-long-time i.e. debriefs definitely helped trained me.

my brain is currently NOT saturated. ya right.

funny how much i enjoy doing nothing at all with my closest friends.

i love the fact that we can not speak at all and still feel so comfortable with the silence. i love fact that we notice the same weird things and laugh about them without having to tell each other about what we saw because we just know. i love the fact that we have nothing to prove to one another - that we dont have to feign anything. i love the fact that he fills my mind with thoughts of him that i sometime hate myself for it. i love that special friendship.

even in this point of my life, i still feel that i have yet to leave sec sch. thanks to gossip sessions, senseless gigglings and (more often than not) just plain acting stupid. girl power! :D

-unknown-

to believe is to know that every day
is a new beginning.
it is to trust that miracles happen,
and dreams really do come true.
to believe is to see angels dancing among the clouds,
to know the wonder of a stardust sky
and the wisdom of the man in the moon.
to believe is to know the value of a nurturing heart,
the innocence of a child's eyes
and the beauty of an aging hand,
for it is through their teachings we learn to love.
to believe is to find the strength
and the courage that lies within us,
when it is time to pick up the pieces and begin again.
to believe is to know we are not alone,
that life is a gift and this is our time to cherish it.
to believe is to know that wonderful surprises
are just waiting to happen,
and all our hopes and dreams are within reach.
if only we believe.

if i was never in this situation, i would just be as superficial as everyone else in making baseless assumptions about others. even if it is a passing phase, i'm forever changed because of it.

we become so preoccupied with the future that we forget what matters is now.
life is too short for what ifs. being reckless and throwing caution into the wind - you'll never know unless you try.

i look forward to the day when i no longer make apologies for my actions. when i no longer think twice just because i'm afraid of what other people perceive me to be. when i dont give a damn as long as i'm not doing any morally incorrect thing.

i've learnt to feel more and judge less. because i know i'll be judged for it by the people around me. i've also realised that you should never claim to understand (and i become more careful using that word) when you're not personally in the situation. i come to a greater understanding to who i care about and that sometimes, i may unintentionally end up hurting the people i care for. but that's not the end of the world.

imperfections are a part of life i've to accept and hopefully embrace. i intend to perserve the self i once was. i dont regret being affected by it. i just do not wish for it to revolve around my world. i should revolve around my world. this means i should stop allowing it to permeate my mind so much. being part of my life doesnt equate to being my life. and i aim to be more free-spirited than before. it doesnt entail shrinking responsibilites. it means doing what i want despite my responsibilities.

being content with the little things in life has been what i'd advocated and still is the case. sometimes, we all just need a little reminder to make us recall that.

something that i'm deviating further and further from. that scares me.

that i truly deserve:



best procrastinator

i wonder why i even bother.

i'm screwed up! i have things to do and courses to study yet i'm not going about doing them. it's always so much easier pretending that they dont exist and leaving them aside than actually sitting down doing them. i'm losing the sense of satisfaction i usually get when i complete my work. and it's this sense of satisfaction that pushes me ahead to do whatever crappy work i have to but hate to.

at certain point of time, i'm starting to wonder if this is the kinda life i want to lead for the next 4 years. i see the value in sch and i've come too far to move backwards. but after that, what? it seems so purposeless to go to sch at times. sure, you make friends, do activities and eventually (i hope to) graduate. then what? get some 9-to-5 job and slog my way through for the next 40 years? and the point of it being?

alternatively. i can think abt doing the things i love. but now i'm starting to question myself what exactly do i love doing. unfortunately, mind is blank at this point of time. why must there be a purpoes in life? why cant we all be lauded for doing nothing? at times, i feel so ordinary that i freaking hate it. i'm doing what everyone expects me to do and since i've been doing this for ages, i cant shut out the voices in my head telling me what to do. instead of doing what i want, whatever i do is what they want me to do. and what i think i want to do is actaully influenced by what i'm expected to do.

this feels like running in a circle. going round and round. becoming more confused as the seconds tick by but never getting out of it.

when holidays meant playing, slacking and relaxing.
when there were straight answers to questions.
when time management and prioritising were non-issues.
when gaining acceptance was never part of the equation.
when 'responsibilities' was simply a long but meaningless word.
when the world seemed so much more beautiful.


been thinking a lot about things in general recently. and what perfect timing for my mum to tell me that her side of the family has a history of depression cases. at least if i officially go crazy, there's an actual reason behind it.

after today, i'll have officially spent one third of my midterm break doing nothing constructive.

spent some time reading the blog entries i wrote in the past and was amused by quite a few of them. heck! i'm so self-entertaining. and i realised that i was so much more articulate in the past. what is happening to me?

i hate the state that i'm in right now.

i feel that there's so many things being out of my control. sch wise, all my projs are not even close to being started proper. crap! and for certain course, my group is not progressing at all. and i'm worried. i never like to leave things till the very last min although i'd like to think that i'm capable of trying to do the work within that time frame. i'm tired of trying to push/initiate/force pp into doing work and am frustrated when they're not doing. granted, i may have slacked off at some point of time but it sucks that other groups have alr done so much and we have nothing to show for.

i'm seriously worried for MA and biz law. i could understand the concepts yet when it comes to assignments and tests, i feel completely lost. there yet not there. so what am i missing? this whole crap abt independent learning is my responsibility for myself. how am i expected to be responsible when i'm still groping in the dark at this very moment? on one hand, i feel that i should not panic cos afterall, whatever we learn will be assessed based on our own profs' standards. on the other hand, i hate the fact that everything is so bloody uncertain.

it breaks my heart that certain things are the way they are now. sometimes, i wish i had the courage of deviating from the norm and hate myself for not being able to do so.

honestly, i think i'll eventually end up killing myself some point of time. it seems so foolish of me to cling on to the hope that things have not changed when i know it's time for me to let go.

i take my hat off those people who are alr taking/are going to take accounting. i cant do that for nuts. after attempting to do my management accounting work, i've discovered that handling any numbers with more than 3 zeroes is not within my capability if i intend to remain sane. which means that i've gone insane many times over alr. darn! i've never spent such a long time trying to fig out how to do 10 MCQs. universities are trying to con their students into thinking that MCQs are easy when they obviously are not. especially when one wrong ans will cause a 1/4 mark deduction. which means it's a technical possibility to get a negative mark for the paper. which finally rub the fact that i'll be qt screwed in my face. my ability to fall asleep after staring at the textbook for 30s is NOT going to help.

my parents should hide more of my money for me.
mum: hey! do you know that you have $xxx in your (insert previously unknown but newly discovered) account?
me: really??? since when did i have that account?
so perhaps i'm not as poor as i thought. hahas...

i have this weird tendency of formulating strange thoughts. and these thoughts tend to translate into strange-and/or-totally-out-of-point ques i ask people. so the next time i ask you something strange, pls do not be alarm. there's really no particular reason behind it.